Hold the platitudes, please!

Comment: SpiritLinks

Compassion for those facing tough challenges works best when we practice divine love by opening our hearts to the pain of others, listen and stay present.

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Though I'm not of Presbyterian persuasion, Reverend Jim Burklo and I met in February 2006 at the Sausalito Presbyterian Church when he hosted a showing of a one man play, called "Side by Side: A Journey With Depression – a funny look at serious survival." Soon after I subscribed to Jim's email and website newsletter Musings by Jim Burklo http://www.tcpc.blogs.com/musings.

I often enjoy and appreciate Jim's progressive interfaith and inclusive perspective, sense of humor and connection with real life meanderings. Recently Jim sent out a piece called "The Theology of Unemployment."

Jim's writing spurred me to send a hasty reply. Our email exchanges offer tips for caring individuals' responses applicable to this and other thorny situations. Our basic recommendations: Hold the platitudes please. Simple hubris doesn't help. Overcome fear of empathy and offer compassion, listening and attention to serve and satisfy you and me on a deeper level.

"The Theology of Unemployment" by Jim Burklo:

Nothing is more effective at turning a person into a theologian than witnessing somebody else's personal crisis.

Recently, I lost my job, or my job lost me. I'm still not sure which description is more accurate. In any case, it's my first experience with unemployment. I'm blessed with very supportive family and friends (including so many of you, dear readers of my musings).  But it's still been a trying time.

People want to say and do the right things. Their attempts at compassion are sincere.  While I am learning to receive gratefully their underlying intentions, some of their expressions make me wince. And make me muse about what helps, and what doesn't work so well, in offering sympathy to people in crisis. 

So in addition to the wonderful kindness that is being showered on my wife and myself, I am getting an off-the-job training course in compassion.

Consider these words which have been said to me, in one form or another, quite a few times in recent weeks: "When God closes one door, He always opens another." When I first heard this one from one of my parishioners, right after my employment imploded, I was taken aback. What about the people in Baghdad? I thought. When their doors are kicked in by men with machine guns, does God magically open another door for them to exit gracefully? All too often, the answer is no. Lots of people lose their jobs and go bankrupt. Do we worship a God who washes away the front door of your nice house in New Orleans with a devastating flood, and then opens a trailer door for you in a bleak vacant lot, months later? Are we expecting divine intervention to solve our personal or social problems, or are we taking action to make sure that when a door is closed, another one will open to something good?

And yet, the people who said it meant only the best for me. Kind and caring souls who really did want another door to swing wide for me, with an even better job on the other side. And of course that is what I want, as well. So I took deep breaths and politely thanked them for their concern.

I don't believe in a supernatural door-opening-and-closing God. I believe in the God who is the door that opens to love. We practice that divine love when we open our hearts to the pain of others, and listen, ask questions, and stay present for them.

Another line I heard repeatedly was this one: "When it's all over, you'll be grateful for this. You'll wind up with a much better job than this one, and you'll be glad this happened." After enduring this assertion several times as my job was collapsing, I realized it had become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The idea of stocking shelves at Home Depot began to look like a blessing by comparison. Those well-wishers had no more clue than I do about what my next job will be like. They forgot, if they knew in the first place, that mostly I really liked the job I lost. It did not serve me to hear their assurance of something that's impossible for them to predict.

But again, they meant well. They were just revealing their discomfort with the stark reality that things can, and often do, get worse instead of better. It was a spiritual discipline for me to be gracious in accepting their caring thoughts and their unconscious self-revelations.

Not even God can predict what will become of my career after this current debacle. I am hopeful and in good spirits. I am grateful for my severance package. I get a lot of encouragement and I have some really good job leads. I am in much better circumstances than so many other unemployed people. But nobody can be sure how this current crisis will play out. For me, it seems more God-like to accept my ignorance of the future, and just be present in the moment.

I'm thankful for those who simply recognize my pain, inquire about my feelings, and offer their presence. They are my guides in how to offer this kind of compassion to others. I hope to pay their God-like goodness forward to the next person I encounter who goes through the loss of a job!

I replied:

I love you Jim Burklo – not in the biblical sense, of course! But for the person who wrote this wonderful musing!

A few decades ago, despite rejecting every negative thought that came near, in spite of being grateful for everything (EXCEPT the death of my son), I became unable to work due to immune system illness – lupus and others. I'd spent every dollar I could spare trying to cure myself with integrative holistic healing modalities, and worked, in the hours I could spare from my regular job, as a children's storyteller – how more healing can you get?

Well, hell, (pardon me, I just couldn't resist) I went through the salary I had and then $30,000 in savings while I tried to study writing because I thought that's what it – being sick and losing family and friends – was all about. I'm supposed to write, that's it, I told myself. But, not so, in time, I could barely put a sentence together. I was in bed 80-100% of the time for 6 years. Out of desperation, I wrote to Dr Kavorkian, and even he didn't answer.

Life is better now, yet still often challenging. My health is improved but ever more precarious as I age. I've learned a lot about judgments of new age philosophy, and still get "if only you would" though mostly behind my back. Your health must be all better is what I'm told to my face, because people only see me when I can put my best face forward.

The brain cells did not die as I had feared, they improved and have grown stronger as I rapid-fire the synapses through writing and community networking. I do so much work from my computer, no one guesses how isolated and challenged I really am.

We don't know what's behind the next door, and as my sister has said (and perhaps a few others), "You don't put a child's hand in the fire to teach them hot." What it's all about I don't know.

All I can do is maintain my power by knowing who I am despite what is happening to me. No one can take away my sense of humor, nor my inner beauty, strength, compassion or curiosity. I learn from my experiences as I can, and I give credit to me for making the choice to do that. I gain wherever I can, and I will never be glad I went through the challenges, nor grateful for the lessons offered me. I flunk gratitude.

I've known people who've gone to their grave with judgments of former friends who thought these women should be able to beat their illness with spirituality. That philosophy is cruel and dangerous!

So go to it Jim Burklo! Bless you for speaking the truth of suffering – it ain't pretty, it can be painful, humiliating and soul-deprecating. I hope you find new paths that serve you better than anything you've ever experienced before. You have laid a good foundation with those whom you've encountered; so you may be able to make this the best road you could take. For now, count my shoulder as one you may cry on any time.

May your family and friends support and encourage you in all the ways you need, and may you continue to speak on behalf of those in need of compassion and understanding.

Diana

Jim responded:

Hi, Diana!

Wow- thanks for this! And sorry so late in responding – my life's been flung into a whirlwind lately – but, happily, most of it is good.... I have some nice job prospects and [my wife and I are] enjoying the time off – we have 6 months of severance – so I'm not worrying.

Your words are wise indeed – and the fruit of experience – this is the kind of encouragement that I need!

"Hacemos el camino por andar." -- "We make the road by walking." – Antonio Machado (my favorite poet)

Thanks again!

Jim

This exchange represents many gratifying qualities of communication and honoring each others' paths and wisdom: respect without judgment; compassion without pity; encouragement without expectation; hope without fancy.

I ended my last response to Jim, "Namaste!" We have touched each other with our depth of understanding, sensitivity and loving kindness for self and each other.

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Diana deRegnier writes the column SpiritLinks for UPI ReligionandSpirituality.com, AmericanChronicle.com and Newsvine.com from the San Francisco Bay Area. Her articles also appear in numerous other Internet and print publications. Email Diana at spiritlinks@comcast.net. © Copyright 2008 by Diana deRegnier.