Asking for Help elicits Soulful Connections
"Asking for help is a universally dreaded endeavor." Nora Klaver says in her anti-self-help book, "Mayday! Asking for help in times of need." Seven out of ten people admit they could have used help over the last week but didn't ask for it. Nora reveals the myriad of reasons why we don't ask for help, how we can benefit from asking, and how to ask the right people at the right time in the right place, increasing our opportunities for meeting our needs.
Some years ago,
after years of focusing on her career, Nora sought council with Sonia Choquette,
author of "Your Heart's Desire" and numerous other books. Sonia advised
Nora to become "less relentlessly independent" by asking for help
three times a day, every day. Nora, an executive coach who saw her vocation as
a help provider, was stunned but rose to the challenge.
She asked for
directions though she knew the way, asked a colleague to buy her a soda, and
such, but she didn't really see the value in the assignment until she left town
for a weeklong business trip. After an exhausting week and a frustrating delay
at the airport due to bad weather, Nora boarded a plane with a heavy suitcase. When
she tried to collapse the handle to store it in the overhead compartment, it
jammed. As she fumbled with it, a man offered to help her. "Following my
ingrained habits of self-sufficiency and blatantly ignoring the voice in my
head, I remained as stubborn as the suitcase handle. Not even taking time to
look this kind man in the eye, I shook my head and replied brusquely that I
could take care of it myself. After a few more attempts, I finally slammed the
handle home, viciously catching my thumb."
Still, Nora refused
the stranger's repeated offer of help. When she bent down to lift the case to
put it in an overhead bin, her muscles failed to provide the strength. Still,
she refused help. "Mercifully, this man then saved me further
embarrassment by simply taking the case from me and placing it neatly in the
bin."
In our conversation,
Nora added that once, during a speaking engagement, while telling the story she
heard someone whisper, "Bitch!"
What would stop an
intelligent, successful, professional woman from allowing someone to help her?
Why would she rather suffer "self-inflicted humiliation" of annoyed
passengers rather than acquiesce to his aid?
This encounter was a
life-changing moment for Nora: "As I offered my thanks, I straightened up
and finally looked him in the face. I noticed that he was smiling. In fact, his
smile transformed me. At that moment I felt connected to this gentleman—not in
a romantic, stranger-on-the-plane way, but simply as one person to another."
M'aidez is French
for help me, and mayday has become the universal signal for help. Nora wants us
to stop thinking of the call as a last resort and to build mayday muscles with
regular practice before desperation sets in. "Why not see the mayday as an
everyday request for help?... We can view the intimidating act of asking for
help as a gesture of hope and optimism and not one of despair and misery."
Nora offers 5
reasons Why We Don't Ask for Help:
1.
We were
never taught how and have few role models.
2.
We love
our independence. Robert Putnam offers startling statistics on participation in
group activities. Attendance at club meetings is down 58%, church activities
have decreased from 25-50%; having friends over to the house has dropped 45%. Time
Magazine, Dec 4, 2006, reports that the number of close friends one has shrank
from 3 to 2, and those who confide in no one has more than doubled to 1 in 4.
3.
We don't
think to ask. Nora claims we are brainwashed by the lure of independence and individualization.
Many of us have created singular lives grounded in self-sufficiency. We are so
caught up in the habit of taking care of ourselves we lose sight of when we
might even need help.
4.
It's
easier to do it myself. This category includes the resistance to the law of
reciprocity: quid pro quo; give and take; tit-for-tat; you scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours.
5.
And, of
course, fear, which gets its own chapter in "Why we don't
ask—Really."
Nora explains Three
Riptides of Fear which seem no less frightening than the fear of death: Fear of
Surrender, Fear of Separation and Fear of Shame. "These fears are like
deceptive riptides that pull us away from the help that is waiting on shore. …
They seduce us by telling us they only intend to keep us safe, yet following
them can leave us alone and floundering. Exploring and understanding these
dangerous currents will lessen their power over us and make our mayday calls
substantially more effective."
For the First
Riptide, Nora presents us with her own learning experience of surrender when
she was once diagnosed with a benign tumor that was growing too near an
important nerve and needed to be removed. She was unafraid of the surgery, yet
stifled a sob and cried to the doctor, "Who will stay with me? I have no
one to help me?"
Nora's self-perceived-weakness
was an assault on her identity as a confident, capable professional woman. "My
ego stated flatly that a strong, independent woman wouldn't find herself in
this kind of situation. It was as though this tough persona of mine was just
begging for a lesson in humility and surrender."
"I am heartily
ashamed to say that I was blatantly ungracious as I made the call to my mother.
… I warned her, 'I don't want you and dad fussing over me! I am not a child,
and I don't expect to be treated like one!'"
In fact, Nora admits
finally, that is exactly what she was, a frightened, ungrateful child. "In
my feeble and awkward way, I was still trying to control the situation."
After the surgery, when Nora awoke and found her mother sleeping in the
hospital room, uncomfortably curled up in a chair, "I realized I had no
choice but to let go. I no longer cared about being successful or independent.
I just wanted my mom."
Nora says, "All
the lies we tell ourselves about lack of control keep us from the hidden truth:
Surrender is a blessing." Furthermore, she then suggests we (gulp!) embrace
surrender. A tough undertaking, but one she will convince you is worthwhile.
The Second Riptide:
Fear of Separation, includes banishment, rejection and denunciation. "In
our need and worry, we interpret rejection to mean, You are on your own. In our
fear, we silently add, … once again."
The Third Riptide: Fear
of Shame convinces us we are not worthy. "No matter who we are, we are
worthy of the help we seek. This is the hidden truth that the fear of shame
keeps from us."
"Worthiness is
not based on how difficult life is. Worthiness is not a test used to determine
whether or not you should be cared for. Your needs warrant resolution. You
deserve to ask for the help you need."
Part Two provides The
Mayday! Process in seven steps:
Step 1. Name your
need and vow to remain open to other possible resolutions.
Step 2. Apply
self-compassion to achieve acceptance that you are worthy.
Step 3. Take a leap
of faith. Self-compassion prepares you
for asking; the applied virtue of faith supports
us as we send our mayday signal.
Step 4. Ask: "The applied virtues of self-compassion and faith are powerful emotions that turn asking for help into a declaration of self-love and self-care.
Step 5. Be grateful:
"Break the trance that scarcity holds over us to see the abundance that
already exists and gratitude will grow."
Step 6. Listen
Differently: Focus on the helpmate. To be heard is as great a gift as one can
receive.
Step 7. Say thanks
(three times: when our helpmate has agreed to aid us, when the help has been
done, and the next time we see our helpmate).
For those too
stressed to do 7 steps, Nora says, take the following 3 steps:
Step 1. Before the
request: name the need; give yourself a break.
Step 2. During the
request: take a leap; ask.
Step 3. After the
request: Be grateful; Listen differently; say thanks.
Calling "Mayday" deepens connections; reduces stress and restores energy; reminds us that we are not alone; gives happiness to others; leads to personal growth; allows the pleasure of surrender; demonstrates that we're worthy of support; lets others shine; clarifies relationships and solves problems. So what's to resist?
Self-care is the new self-help. The book is offered as a primer on how to make requests. Riptide and
Applied Virtue matrices, a section on resources and an index make it a quick
reference for learning and practicing self-love through asking for help. Nora
suggests writing exercises for exploration of our inhibitors and invites us to
record our answers, thoughts, and musings on her website www.Maydaythebook.com .
Nora emphasizes that
to think asking for help isn't the American way is a myth. "All great
enterprises—including our nation—were built on support, teamwork, and
collaboration."
Caroline Myss,
author of "Entering the Castle" and "Anatomy of the Spirit"
says, "'Mayday' takes a mature look at the challenge of asking for help,
puncturing the philosophy of independence that can so often create feelings of
isolation instead of strength. A most thought-provoking contribution to the
field of self-help psychology."
M. Nora Klaver, MA, MCC, is a Chicago-based work-life expert. A master coach with twenty years experience, she advises individuals and corporate leaders in organizations from Allstate Financial to American Movie Classics.
Diana deRegnier writes from the San Francisco Bay Area. Her oft featured articles appear in numerous Internet and print publications around the world. Write to Diana at spiritlinks@comcast.net © Copyright 2008 by Diana deRegnier.